I lay my fear to rest in 2019. Fear of the future. Fear of choice. Fear of my tongue. Fear of time. Fear of judgement. Fear of security. Fear of not doing enough, having enough, being enough. My hyper-vigilant companion of eighteen years, an aroused emotion that poured into the dark void that once contained the light of my world.
This years’ lessons have made heavy and light of my heart. I have learned that my heart needs to feel both to be whole. Goodbye to the year of another lost marriage, the dream of a future that I had woven around my fear of being unloved, unprotected, alone. This time, I am not defeated by your broken promise of protection from pain. In the years you provided me shelter from the forces I could not control, I have found my strength to continue onward of my own resolve.
Last year’s losses have created an opening for the big love I have for the boys and David. I feel us in a new light. My son has been healing from his emotional wreckage with my help in our Vermont home. I have discovered new relations and friendships and have made big strides in my writing life. I am feeling happy again.
The intensity of the emotions of sadness and anger is equal to the intensity of the bliss and gratitude I feel. Grief and joy are part of the same equation. An emotional calculation that makes up a life. We tend to think of anger and sadness as a negative, destructive force, but some kinds of painful emotions get me out of bed in the morning and fuel my determination to get through the day. Perhaps the dark emotions that fear conjures, is a way of embracing life again. Today, I no longer have to listen to the fear that cannot allow me to forget that I am not enough.
Every dawn brings the gift of renewal, another chance to make myself a little better than the day before. In times of hardship, love is all I have had to cling to, like a life preserver, through all of the hard times. I Love that I now have the free space to feel; for Dave, the boys, myself and all the wonderful people who choose to walk beside me. With fear gone, love has moved back into the house. I can feel its warmth, renewing my faith, making me feel strong again, and giving me courage to move forward. I may have lost relationships through my life, but I have found powerful reserves of love in those who remain in my life and my heart.
The memories of those departed and moments relinquished to time, encourage me to move onward. They are a part of my consciousness and will always remain in me. To quote Dr. Zhivago: “What are you? However far back you go in your memory, it is always in some external, active manifestation of yourself that you come across your identity—in the work of your hands, in your family, in other people. You in others, this is your soul. This is what you are. This is what your consciousness has breathed and lived on and enjoyed throughout your life—your soul, your immortality, your life in others. And what now? You have always been in others and you will remain in others… and later on, that is called your memory. This will be you—the you that enters the future and becomes a part of it.”
I awaken to the empowerment of the dawns of 2020 with my hands pressed together over my heart, and embrace the daily luminance that informs me that I am here, I will endure, I am enough.